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10 AM. What a rough night! Fever, shaking chills, vomiting- not a lot of fun. My fever broke around 2 AM, and I slept on & off between frequent interruptions by the staff. I guess I'll have a similar night tonight, but it has to be killing cancer. I feel washed out and queasy. Four more days of this. Poor Pammy! Love, P.
7 PM. They JUST started my chemo 20 minutes ago. Argh! All those prayers from the ER at 4 PM arrived too early and will need to be repeated (they did help me with my crossword puzzle, though). My hair continues to come out, but I have lots left. I'm thrilled beyond belief to be here. It'll be a long 5 days. Love, P.
Hello from Shadyside Hospital room 712! It is 11:30 AM, I have the laptop up and running. They should be in to draw my blood soon (you know they have to make sure I didn't get myself pregnant while I was in Virginia for two weeks), after results they pre-hydrate me for 3 hours and then the chemo begins, probably 4PM this time rather than 1:30AM. Much as I hate chemo, I want to get started SOON. I received a call from my pastor's friend who has a congregation in Pittsburgh, and he plans to visit and pray with me today - I feel so well connected. Let's go team - those cancer cells aren't getting any deader. Good job, Kat, getting me computer ready from afar! I'll try to do extra Journal entries while in the hospital like I did last cycle. Love, P.
Wah! I don't wanna go to Pittsburgh! It's like when your mom used to make you take cod liver oil when you were a kid. Mom & I are packing up and will hit the road soon. I had no long distance access when we arrived last time for 24 hours, so I thought I'd write this from Mom's. I lost a clump of hair the size of a small mouse when I showered this morning, the great wig debate may need to be revisited. I'm not allowing Kat to drag the family to Pittsburgh this cycle. It is too hard on the kids, but she is my computer, digital camera, and Internet access wizard - I'm hoping she has taught me enough to get my Journal on the web. Time to load the car. Yikes! All your prayers will get me though this. Thank you. Love, P.
Oops. I got involved in a nap, a book, and a crossword puzzle, and Dad had to remind me that I had not done my Journal entry for today yet. We celebrated my nephew's 3rd birthday today up at Kat's. He loved being the center of attention, and rewarded each person who gave him a gift with a hug, a kiss, and a "Thank You!". What a little cutie! Barb removed the stitches from my Mediport, so there will no longer be any confusion as to whether or not there is a tick on my neck (relief!). Happy 3/4 century birthday to my Aunt Haha, and congratulations to her for being guest # 2000, though logging on & off and back on again a few times seem to be cheating just a bit. Mom has made up white ribbons with black spots (like the pink breast cancer ones) for 'melanoma awareness', which we plan to wear. I hope to start a trend and urge people to have their moles checked and to always wear sunscreen. I am in no rush to get to Pittsburgh tomorrow, and will probably not leave here till late tomorrow afternoon. I'm hoping my room will be ready earlier on Monday so I can get started earlier (thus finish earlier) and get this over with. Love, P.
Mom, Dad & I just got home from "Lobster Night". My sister Barb was able to join us. I was glad she got a chance to see me when I was feeling pretty good. The lobsters were great (they gave each person 2 whole Maine lobsters), but my golf today was not. I hate my parents' course - too many creeks and difficult greens. I was getting so upset with myself for not hitting any good shots and for losing balls in the creeks, that I picked up my ball after 4 holes and caddied for the rest of my mom's nine holes. She & Dad both would have whooped me, so it was a good thing I quit (it looks bad when they make me cry, I believe it is a form of child abuse). Will I ever play "that STUPID game" again? I don't know - it sure didn't relax me. I like Tammy's course the best - no water hazards. I have gotten hooked on the "Left Behind" series of books. One of my neighbors gave me the first book of the series, which I finished last night. Today, Mom & I went to 3 different stores to find the rest of the series so I can continue them. For those who have read the series, I guess I would have been 'left behind', and I'd better clean up my act. Perhaps relaxing on the golf course and not taking it so seriously would be a good start. Love, P.
Mom & I made it safely to my parents' house at Lake Meade. Dad had been to the grocery store and the butcher's for tenderloin, corn, tomatoes, and mushrooms - does he know what I like, or what?? Tomorrow the heat is supposed to break and Mom & I will try to play NINE holes instead of 6 before lobster night. Do I take it easy on my mom, or should I beat her badly? I'd better keep in mind that she is driving me to Pittsburgh and plans to spend the week with me. I guess I'll LET her win. Dad has his own Men's group, and will be playing 18, I'll compare score cards from his front nine to see how badly he beats me. (I have only ever beaten my dad one time in my life). I need to stop trying to win, stop being so competitive, and just relax and enjoy myself. Grrrrrr - I want to win!!! Love, P.
I feel GREAT today! Back to normal. I slept well last night, and woke up wanting coffee for the first time since chemo. I even had a #3 Extra Value Meal at McDonald's today for lunch!! I still dread cycle 2 next week, but finally know that there are a few days of feeling back to normal before they slam you again. (they told me I'd feel better this week but I was feeling so horrible and not sleeping, that I didn't believe them) Based on how I'm feeling now, Marcia, there won't be any left-over lobsters for you!! I expect my Mom later this evening, and she & I have been invited to Mike Ashby's (my boss at MJH-ER) house for some red wine tonight. I suspect that wine kills melanoma cells, but only when ingested. Tammy & I had started some of the preliminary studies prior to my first cycle, Cabernet vs. Merlot vs. Zinfandel vs Chardonnay vs import or domestic beer; and Julia, Ursula & I have started looking into the use of margaritas to boost the immune system. Much more research must be done! Love, P.
It was great to see so many of my golfing buddies at the course today! I got lots of hugs and well-wishes and could feel the cancer melting away (or was that just me melting in the heat!?). I only had the energy for 6 holes again, and may have to form my own group "The Six Holers". My Mom has decided that it is smarter for her to drive down to get me tomorrow, rather than have me drive up to PA by myself. Good plan. I can drive locally, but was unsure of the 3 1/2 hour drive to my parents. Thanks to Barbara & Dick for the delicious supper tonight (which stayed down - hooray!) Nancy & Jim are having me over tomorrow - now remember, Nancy, it is a STITCH on my neck and NOT a tick! This week is flying by, before I know it, it will be chemo time again. Yuck! Oh well, if it is what it takes, I'll do it again. Love, P.
I was so tired last night, that I could not sleep. I think I know what parents of little kids mean when they say, "he's over-tired" when little Johnny is running around acting like a terror looking wide awake to me. There seems to be a pattern - I play 6 holes of golf, wear myself out, have a rough night, the next day I'm useless and couldn't hit a golf ball if I tried, I nap most of the day, and then I don't sleep that night either (because I napped too much during the day). Hmmmm, does this teach me anything - no golf? no naps? - certainly not- those are my two favorite things!! As one of my friends says - better living through chemicals (more sleeping pills!). My counts were great today, and I may now eat fresh fruits and veggies until the next cycle of chemo starts again. I think I'm going to drive up to my parents on Thursday, and spend my last "good days" (pre-chemo) with them, so that Dad gets a chance to spoil me, too. (Mom has me the whole time in Pittsburgh, but Dad misses out; he also is not computer literate and has to rely on someone reading my Journal entries to him - poor Bear!) I'm feeling mentally strong today. I can feel the cancer cells dying and the odds swinging in my favor. Yipee!! Love, P.
Darn! I wrote a really short, quick journal entry and forgot to hit "submit" so it disappeared. Now I have to remember what I said. I had a good day today but tiring. I went to church, and then out to lunch, watched the British Open, and then rode around in the golf cart at Glenmore and played 6 holes while my "sitter" of the day played. I hit more good shots than Friday, and even had a par on one of the holes. Just 6 holes wore me out, though. We then stayed and had supper at the Country Club. I did not need any pain pills today, and even had a glass of wine with dinner. If I weren't so tired, I'd feel almost back to normal. Now I WILL hit "submit" this time and take my bath and go to bed. Goodnight. Hey, Tom Cruise, if that is really you, how about paying for my chemo? You make millions. Love, P.
Well, I figured out why I felt so bad on Wednesday - it was the Interferon shot. I had to have 3 of them, Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and felt good yesterday until late yesterday evening when I got hit with nausea, body aches, shaking chills, etc. I have slept most of today. Thank goodness I don't get any more Interferon until 7/30. In the Hospital, they give you Demerol shots along with it to cut the symptoms. At least I know what it was from. It bothered me that I felt so bad on Wednesday, and felt like it was a set-back. Will I be able to sleep tonight, since I slept all day? I must have needed it. I'm still tired now. I guess the golf was too much for me. Only 3 more Neupogen shots, and then next week should be back to normal. The day that I crave a McDonald's Quarter Pounder with cheese, is the day that I know I'm doing okay (not yet). Let's see - 6:30 PM - is it too early for bed? To think that I used to be someone who couldn't nap, and now my every thought is when the next nap will be. What a wimp! I'm gonna get bed sores! Love, P.
Back in the saddle again! My sitter today took me to the golf course, where I rode around and hit some balls and attempted to play. I only played 6 holes and got VERY tired (I think I overdid it). I was unable to hit a decent tee shot, didn't keep score, played poorly, but I PLAYED!! It was a beautiful day to be outside enjoying the fresh air. Based on how worn out 6 holes made me and how poorly I struck the ball, I may not keep score for awhile, and not worry about breaking 100. Tammy calls it "feel good golf", where if it didn't make you feel good, you just hit another ball from the same spot until it does feel good. I then had a clinic appointment to recheck my counts, which are still above 5000. Ma is making steak for my supper tonight. Ah! Bliss! Getting better each day. Love, P.
A much better day than the pits of yesterday!! My itching is almost gone! I ate a whole sandwich for breakfast (yeah, breakfast - my appetite is still weird),and I have been controlling the pain better by taking the pills BEFORE they run out. Joan was my "sitter" today. We watched The British Open and she forced me to go through another pile of papers and file stuff either where it belonged or into the trash. We even made a trip to the bank. I feel almost good today, which is quite a change from yesterday. A few more days like today, and I'll be back on the golf course in no time. I think that it is nap time now, then back to the paperwork. Tomorrow I have to go back into town and have my counts checked. I've gotten a ton of E. mail messages, and will try to start chipping away at answering some of them - maybe after my nap. I sound like a nut case in today's Journal entry - after yesterday's pity party, now I'm practically giddy. Oh well, I'll take all the "ups" I can. Love, P.
Crappy day today. It started out okay with a clinic visit and hanging out in the ER with my buddies, but has deteriorated. I just spent the last several minutes sitting on the bathroom floor losing my supper and my pain pill into the toilet. That is the first vomiting I've had since Pittsburgh, and is a bummer, because I really needed that pain pill!! My bone marrow pain in the shoulder is getting worse and now the left hip has joined in. I had a fancy intravenous access device (double lumen Mediport, for those in the know) put in place today. It is in my right chest wall and will save me from needing IV's or needle sticks for blood work, but hurts quite a bit now. The nurse took a few pictures and plans to get them to my sister for the photo album. Corey came over to give me my nightly shot and I was a big baby. My hair is not coming out yet but is changing in texture, so I believe its days are numbered. No bath for me tonight (WAH!!) because of the new Mediport. I think I've had enough of today, and will go to bed. Things will probably feel better in the morning. Gee - is it any wonder why my oncologist started me on anti-depressants today? Poor pitiful Pammy!!!! Love, P.
Hmmmmmm, getting tough to come up with a fresh Journal entry each day, because it seems like everything is the same as yesterday. Itchy - check; no appetite - check; tired - check; see? same as yesterday. I do have a new symptom - shoulder blade pain. The one shot I have to get stimulates my bone marrow to produce white blood cells, and I believe that the only marrow paying any attention is that inside my left shoulder blade. Ouch. Pain pills are a beautiful thing. I see my local (Martha Jefferson) Oncologist tomorrow to get lab work. I hope my counts are up, though I don't feel up to golf yet even if I were okay to go out in public. Everyone who has seen me says that I look great, but I sure feel like doggy do-do. I hope I feel better soon, or it's going to be really hard to drag myself back to Pittsburgh for round 2. It is easy to get down in the dumps when you don't feel good. Thanks to everyone out there trying to cheer me up. Love, P.
Still weak, tired, itchy, and with very little appetite. People keep telling me that I look great, but I sure don't feel great. I had a 2 hour nap this morning after my exhausting shower and eating of an English muffin, now after soup for lunch and a trip into town to the oncologist's, I'd better take a 3 hour nap. Lou next door (Lake Monticello Mom) has things all set up for me - food, rides, etc. Maybe I'll just get her to feed me in bed, and I won't have to keep cutting into my naps. She said she would keep a lookout for vultures circling my house. I got a nice card today from the "Movers & Shakers" (Second Fridays Happy Hour Group), who apparantly drank my share for me at the last party. Okay, enough already - IT'S NAP TIME! Love, P.
A very tiring day. After napping on & off all week in the hospital, I was unable to nap at all today except for about an hour after breakfast. I wasn't even able to sleep in the car on the way down to Virginia. I can't wait to crawl into bed, but first I wanted to update the Journal and take a bubble bath. I also have to give myself my shot before bed (daily for ten days to boost my white blood count), and I'm post-poning it as long as possible because I'm a real wimp about sticking myself. I had lots of cards waiting for me when I got home, and I see I have over 1200 hits on the website. I think we outnumber the cancer cells now - if each one of you out there justs kills one cell, this will be over soon. Ready? On three. . . Love, P.
Wow. Sunday morning, after pancakes and a shower. I went to bed early last night and slept 11 hours. Not all restfull, because my skin itches so darn much, but it sure beats the hospital. Connie gave me some bubble bath stuff that soothes the itch and a box of Benadryl or I would have scratched my skin to the bleeding point. We will celebrate Bob May's (my brother-in-law's) birthday this afternoon and then head down South. Of course, I just took another Benadryl so I'm ready for another nap. Zzzzzzzzzz. I'll see some of you soon. Please keep in mind that my white blood count is low, so if you are sick, stay away from me, estimated for the next 9 days. Naptime!! Love, P.
Hang on to your shirts!! My journal entry is late. It's been quite the last 18 hours or so. I did get sprung from the hospital about 9:30 last night, and went to bed after getting back to the hotel. I'm armed with drugs, schedules, and lists of dos and don'ts (no fresh fruits or vegetables, no fresh flowers, no hanging around sick people, etc. for the next 10 days till my white count is back up). It is great being out and not hooked up to a "leash", but I have zero appetite and no enery. I've been napping quite a bit. It was nice getting calls yesterday from Ursula, Dick, Lou, Ronni, and Lynn. The bummer is not knowing how well we did at killing cancer until my repeat scans the 3rd week of August. Well, nap time again. Love, The Slug.
Nearly done with cycle 1!!!! My IV finishes at about 8PM and they'll let me go with an army of paperwork and lists of dos and don'ts. We will spend tonight at the Shadyside Inn and leave for Lake Meade in the morning. I return to VA late Sunday evening. I had another hair wash today, change of clothes and feel a lot better. I think it is mainly because the end is in sight. I slept much better last night as well, better living through pharmocology. Now if my diarrhea would get better, but I guess that is better than vomiting. My spirits are so much better today - hooray! Love, P.
8PM - The medicines they are giving me to combat the nausea and the itching from my lobster skin are combining to make me very sleepy. I did very little today other than nap, nap, and nap some more. That doesn't allow for much in the way of a stimulating Journal entry. I could tell you about a racey dream or something, but I'd be making it up. The bubble bath felt so good last night that I'm going to push my luck and see if I can have one tonight as well. It's the little things in life. Marianne made it here safely and has her car loaded with barf bags, crackers, pillows, etc for the ride home to VA on Sunday. My chemo ends tomorrow at about 10 PM, so just over 24 hours. I'll have to get Micah to make me some really special countdown sheets for the next cycle. Love, P.
Another day down. Nights and days are about the same, less feverish and achey, but more queasy and the diarrhea has struck with a vengence. I feel weak and groggy. I DID get my Mister Bubble bath last night, which was wonderful. I expect Marianne here later today if she can find the place. I got a Fed-Ex package today with things that nephew David picked out for me, what a cutie. I guess Cousin Dick should get some kind of a prize for being number 1000. I'll think on it - perhaps a bottle of sunscreen. Love, Pam
9 PM - Not much new since this morning. Visiting hours are over and Mom left. I'm going to try to bribe the nurses to let me take a bubble bath tonight but they are reluctant. We'll see. Getting over the hump, two days to go. If I feel this bad, imagine how the cancer cell are feeling. Love, P.
Very rough night last night. The vomiting has started, I gained 7 pounds of edema fluid and have a double chin, my skin is flushed lobster red, I still have fever and chills, etc. I really don't see how I will be able to force myself to come back here for cycle 2. This stinks!! I guess you can tell that my spirits are low. I'll try to be good. Barb helped a lot this morning by washing my hair, which felt wonderful (yes my hair is still present and accounted for). I believe this is hump day, tomorrow I'll be on the downward slope. I can't wait to get out of here and take a 30 minute shower with a bubble bath chaser. Thanks for all the support - I should make 1000 hits soon. Love, P.
7 PM: Kat, Bob and the boys made it home. They did get pulled over for speeding (78 in a 55) but got a warning, probably because both boys were screaming at the top of their lungs. I was wrong about the Interferon, it's only once a day, so I have that to look forward to tonight. Still no vomiting, but very little appetite. The IL-2 causes edema, so rather than losing weight, I look all chubby and puffy. Barb arrived this evening, bringing a care package including a CD-ROM Golf game-maybe I'll break a hundred on that! My main symptom is fatigue, I've been sleeping on and off all day. Why is it that my vital signs must be taken as soon as I fall asleep? Love, P.
One day down. Last night was rough. The Interferon made me feel horrible with body aches, fever and shaking chills. They finally brought me some Demerol which made the shakes go away. My fever broke this morning, but my next Interferon shot is in just over an hour from now. Mild nausea, but no actual puking thus far. I had a few bites of a muffin this morning. All the medicines they give me for nausea, etc, are making me feel like a thick-headed moron. This is going to be a long week!! Die, cancer cells, die!!! Love, P.
Hello everyone out there in Computer-Land. I finally got a room, but I guess it was worth the wait, because it is a HUGE furnished private suite with sitting area, fridge, full sized tub, etc. This could almost be fun - NOT!!!! I had a double lumen PICC line put in, and bribed the Xray tech to show me my post-procedure film. Alas, it shows my charming little lung lesion, maybe a hair bigger than last film, and kills my hopes that someone would say "smile, you're on Candid Camera!" I guess this is real. Sigh. Because of all this prep and the late start, they haven't even started my chemo yet (as of 7PM). I suspect that they will be in soon to hook me up. Pastor Stewart drove all the way up from VA yesterday to take Mom & me out to dinner and give us Communion. He brought me a card signed by a lot of you from MJH. You are all too kind (but don't stop). Over 800 hits on the site now. Kat is trying to read the digital camera instructions now so she can take a picture of me for the site as I click away on the laptop. I may be so bored here that I put more than one entry in per day, then again if I'm that bored, I won't have anything to say. Love, P.
Arrived safely in Pittsburgh. It took just over 6 hours. The place we are using as "home base" reminds me of a dorm room; I guess that won't matter to me because I'll only be here one night and then will have a nice hospital room instead. Do they still serve institutional jello with every meal? Kat tells me no fresh flowers on the chemo floor. It seems more real now that I'm here; before I could always pretend it was all a big mistake. Love, P.
The word that comes to mind today is TERROR. I really dread the upcoming chemo, but know that it is my only chance at a long life. I had a nice visit from Tim and his family today. His girls loved the beach, though his nearly 3 year old twins took a spill on the road and both left here covered with Bandaids. Mom & I are taking Lake Monticello Ma & Pops (Lou & Al Colville) to the Country Club for lobster night tonight, sort of a "last supper" before the trip to Pittsburgh. I am hoping to have Internet access during my trip so I can continue the Journal entries the whole time. So, David, are you still waiting for your birthday card? Yeah, sure, I'll get right on that. Bye. P.
No go on breaking 100 today. I had a 106, with enough good shots to make me think that it will be SOON. Joan tells me that she is going to drag my sorry butt out on the course the week after chemo, whether I'm sick or not. Yesterday Mom & I had supper at Lynn's and her two girls (ages 7 and 5) painted my toenails in my favorite color (purple) to get me ready for the hospital. Thank you Rebecca and Rachel! I heard today that Shadyside may not have a bed for me till Monday afternoon, so I may not finish my first cycle till Saturday morning. It was nice to see Julia and Ursula today. I collected hugs from each of them to take to Pittsburgh with me. We plan to leave about 9AM Sunday - say, who knows the fastest way - is it 15 to I-70 in Frederick, or 15 to 17 to 522 via Winchester, or the dreaded I-81? I'm sure someone out there will tell me, maybe I'll get as many opinions as to what color wig I should get.:) P.
Well, I dropped Tom off at the airport after a great visit. Now, I'm waiting for Mom to arrive. Not enough time for golf today, but we have a tee time for tomorrow for my last chance to break 100 before chemo. On Saturday, Tim Powell and his family are coming for an afternoon on the beach. Tim was one of my medical students at MCV when I was an Internal Medicine intern - I tease him that I taught him everything he knows! I was very touched to receive a certificate in the mail from the MJH Department of Family Medicine making me an Honorary member of their department due to my "many doctoring skills and awesome personality". This was a particularly generous gesture - everyone knows that E.R. doctors are the scourge of all other doctors because we give them admissions in the middle of the night!! Thanks to all involved. WHEN(not IF)I return to work, I'll keep it in mind, "sorry sir, I know you are having a heart attack, but you'll just have to wait till a more convenient time, your doctor needs his/her sleep". Great fireworks last night, the rain held off. Thanks also to the Lindenmanns for the cookout and to my Lake Monticello Mom & Pops for taking Tom & me out in their boat for the best view of the fireworks. I love you all. P.
Happy 4th of July!! I am wearing my red, white, and blue socks (and other clothes as well, not just the socks) and we are hoping that there is no rain to cancel tonight's fireworks. We had a few good hours at the beach, but now it looks like rain. I see I have 590 hits on the website (most are just me checking the guest book), but still, WOW! I'd like to get over 1000, but that may be greedy. Chemo day ("C-Day") approaching fast - yikes! P.
I never did golf today, but had my portrait done, did some paperwork, and met up with Ursula & Julia for dinner out. It was nice, but I'm beat and I'm going to bed! Welcome back from Bermuda, Barb! Love, P.
What a beautiful day!! Sunny and pleasant , not humid. I had some errands to do so only had time to drag Tom out for 9 holes. I am scheduled for a portrait tomorrow morning, so I can have a picture done of me before I become blonde, auburn, red, plaid, or otherwise. My new laptop came today so I can continue the journal updates from the hospital in Pittsburgh. Hmm, what plans for tomorrow. . . I know!!! How about MORE GOLF!!?? Love to all, Pam
Today was fun. I finally fixed my torn sail (thanks for the sail tape, Tud), and Tom & I went all over the Lake. One of the ropes that holds the sail at the top was rotten and broke. We were out in the middle of the Lake and the Patrol Boat came by, "Do you want a tow?". "No!," we yelled back, "we are having too much fun, do you have a rope we can use?" They did, and Tom tied us back up and off we went for more. Dinner tonight at Lisa Ware's. The longer this streak of not having to cook lasts the better I like it. P. |
